Ha, this journal, blog or whatever else you might call it! It cracks me up! I’m sitting here skimming the lines I have typed in the past. Old entries in a voice that is, and isn’t, mine. I’m kind of silly! Which on one hand is mortifying, while on the other charming. It has been quite some time since I last looked at these words.I realize that they whisper between my ears now, as they did yesterday. Is this simply a coincidence? Or are we flashing forward and into tomorrow?
Photoset reblogged from My letter to the world, that never wrote to me. with 2,749 notes
Rubber Ducky Derby!!!!
Source: wbez.org
Sigh of Relief
My brother Pete and my sister Leslie stopped by my neighborhood on their way to Rhode Island to visit my parents. With them were my niece Lizzy and my nephew Sam. I suspect part of the reason they chose to visit is because of all the family talk about me. Possibly they are worried that I am taking a beating. Which, to be honest, I am. They must have sensed that.
They left about an hour ago, and I am currently sitting here so absolutely thankful that they came. For years now I have felt disconnected from my family, mainly because of distance. Especially lately, my feelings of loneliness have resonated. I needed them now more than ever. I feel so alone sometimes in what I am going through. Pete said to me, “It doesn’t matter. I know that you don’t make any decisions without using your head. I’m happy for you. If you are happy, I’m happy.” That is exactly the perfect response I need to hear from anyone in my life right now.
There were moments during our lunch this afternoon that hit me, mid-Jedi impressions with Sammy or while Lizzy’s little arms were wrapped around my legs, that I felt sad that I miss out on so much with my family. I miss having them around, I love them so much. I wish they lived as close as Alex’s cousins do. Pangs of jealousy do happen once in while, but I’m here for a reason. Effort is all it takes. No matter where I live though, I am lucky that my siblings are there for me if I were to clue them in that support is needed.
This is the first sigh of relief I have had in weeks.
Photo reblogged from Isn't It Pretty To Think So? with 28,334 notes
Liquid Explosion Painting! (by markchadwickart)
Source: Flickr / markchadwick
There is so much negativity around me lately. It really is bringing my down. I’m finding it hard to avoid, and my resiliency to it all has been breaking down for some time.
My psychologist that I have been seeing for a couple of weeks now suggested that I attempt reaching out to my parents. Yesterday I decided to give it a try and called my mom for a chat. Towards the end of our conversation I asked my mom if my parents still wanted to come visit me, as they were talking about doing so awhile back. She gave me a fumbling answer, mentioning something about having a lot going on and that gas was expensive right now. I was so incredibly hurt by that response. In retrospect I realize that my mother is not very good at articulating things, and that was her way of saying that she and Dad might not be ready to come on my turf. It still hurt regardless. “What can I do to try to make our relationship better, to move on from this,” I asked after I pulled myself together. “I don’t know,” she said. My emotional state just continued to grow out of control. I started to cry. “Are you unable to talk about this because Dad is in the room?” To this she replied, yes. “What am I supposed to do about this then,” I asked. She told me that I should talk to my sister Jeanne. This felt completely out of nowhere, and it really threw me off. We ended the conversation then. I couldn’t take the hurt anymore. Before getting off the phone she told me she loved me. I was so confused by her words and actions.
I called my sister immediately. She thinks my mom told her to call me because apparently my sister and my mom have talked about my situation. She thinks since my mom felt she couldn’t talk to me while my dad was there that she needed my sister to be her voice. Jeanne understood why I was so hurt, but stressed that I need to understand that my parents need a bit of time to digest. She strongly feels that I should take a day to drive up to Rhode Island and have a talk with them, my Dad especially. I need to tell them that what is done is done, and that they need to trust my decision and that if anything were to go awry I would take myself out of it. I think that it may be a good idea.
I might need a little bit of time though. Twice I have tried to do the right thing and put myself out there with them, and they just keep shutting me down and deeply hurting my feelings. I need to grow the courage to attempt again, and prepare myself for getting hurt again. I have a hard time with situations where I try really hard to make right, try to move forward in a positive manner, and that simply can’t happen when I want it to.
Work
This could have been the work week from hell. Everyone in the production group has been complaining about thoughtless procedure changes and uncooperative, bratty coworkers since Monday. I shall not act like an angel, I have fallen into this negative behavior as well. It is really is an awe inducing phenomena, as much as you try to stay away from the negativity, it makes sure to somehow grab hold of you. That strong, bitter grasp. When I moved my desk a floor away from the majority of the production group and asserted myself as a entity not to be overlooked, I have had the luxury of zen-like, smooth sailing for over a year now. Until this week, that is. It was a good run.
With all honesty, I don’t think there has ever been such an overwhelming aura of stress, disappointment and frustration held by a majority here. I sat in my boss’ office this morning as she bitched about our “big boss” for over half an hour. And sadly, I feel she had every god-given right to that . Please note that this is the only time I will probably ever side with my boss, as we never seem to be on the same page, let alone the same book, so to speak. I could easily say that our working relationship consists of simply tolerating each other.
While writing this two things happened: a coworker came over and briefly bitched to me about a situation with an uncooperative PE who seems to think she can dictate our jobs and then my boss sent out a request for a pre-meeting, meeting to discuss an agenda in which we will justify our jobs to our big boss.
I feel like I am being sucked into this vicious vortex of negativity. As much as I would like to avoid it, it is leering around every corner. How can I? Everywhere I turn I am reminded. It’s attaching itself to me. I spoke on the phone with Alex earlier and apparently the way I was acting towards him consisted of the essence of my current work environment. He said “Come on Ash, don’t be like this. Don’t let it get to you.”
My god, it has. Now what am I going to do to stop it?
I’ve been weighing an options in my mind today.
For someone who desires to “just chill” all the time, how have I managed to perpetually feel the opposite these past couple of weeks? I feel like even my body is fighting back my anxiety lately. The past two days my head and body have ached like crazy. The feeling of tiredness I have been carrying around is almost suffocating. My movements feel like honey dripping slowly off of a spoon. Currently my shoulders feel as if I am carrying a head the size of an elephant. How can this be? I have completed a significant amount off of my to-do list. Truthfully for awhile this list, intended to help organize and thus relax myself, became an ever looming list of things I hadn’t accomplished yet. I couldn’t calm myself while going down my list, reminding myself every minute of what is still to be done. But on a positive note I took care of a lot today, especially concerning my surname change. I have one more credit card company to contact and I am done with that headache. The house, which was a mess while arranging with new furniture, has become more organized. And boy, that certainly helps my anxiety.
Lately I have been longing to just quit ‘inoteca. But I cannot do so because it really helps with paying my monthly loan payments. I would love to find a higher paying job, then i could definitely stop working a second job, but it seems like something that would never happen. I wish I could work on my writing more, but things have been so crazy and my concentration so botched that I have run off path. Maybe if I could apply myself more I could make freelance writing a steady, lucrative, side-job. It doesn’t matter though, why am I even fretting? I shouldn’t make any major career moves while Alex and I prepare for him to leave his job. I should make sure he is settled before I do anything, right?
I wish to be myself again.
After two weeks of contemplation, and a series of events over the past couple of years, I have decided to finally go talk to psychologist. Tomorrow at 8am, I am to meet with her. We spoke briefly today on the phone, and she sounds like a very nice lady.
I must admit that I am nervous though. I have never done anything like this before. Will she think “Whoa, this girl is a mess?” I know psychologists are trained not to act/think in that manner, but I can’t help but feel ashamed about what I have going on internally, and especially ashamed of how it makes itself known externally. It seems sort of hypocritical even, I’m going to talk to a complete stranger about things that I have difficulty communicating to those who are closest to me. But some find that to be an easier way to express themselves. Look at me, I already express more in an internet journal than I probably do in daily life.
Despite my nervousness, I want to approach this experience with a positive approach. I would like to enter her office with goals set in mind. What is it that I want to achieve through all of this?
1. Learn how to identify what causes me stress.
2. Learn how to manage those stresses.
3. Effectively communicate my feelings, and make sure those messages are received.
4. Identify approaching melt-downs and control them.
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